Unlearning: Recognizing its call
Three different colored strands loop and intertwine above and below the words, “Learning when to unlearn”
You’re Invited
When we introduced unlearning, we shared that it is a way to give you less to do as you start your Monday mornings. It is true that it is not an addition to your to do list. Today, it is an invitation to notice when unlearning might be in order.
One of the questions that is most beneficial for me to ask myself when something seems unreasonably hard is this—
“Is this really the rule or is it the rule in my head? Or alternatively, is it the way or a way?”
One of my mentors once taught me that when forming a new group— one of the best ways to build comfort in sharing is to share a most embarrassing moment. If you lead with that, the rest gets easier, she would say. In the interest of building comfort in sharing in this blog, I offer you one of my most embarrassing examples of not recognizing the call to unlearn when it first tried to get my attention.
The 8 week lesson
While taking a medical terminology course to get into graduate school for occupational therapy, we had weekly quizzes. There would be 1-2 chapters worth of reading (about 30-40 pages) to do and maybe 50 words we would be quizzed on.
It would probably also help you to know that vocabulary and spelling felt natural to me since childhood because the way my brain worked was if I saw it and heard it, and really enjoyed it— I likely remembered it. And, if I knew it was important to you— my odds of remembering it just increased again. So, when I had quizzes about medical terminology that seemed to check all those boxes, I was feeling confident and looking forward to this medical terminology course as a next step to becoming an OT.
Weekly vocabulary quizzes— I’ve got this. Online course, untimed weekly quizzes, no cheating. There were about 20 multiple choice questions— which were my favorite, because as you may remember, if I had seen it, heard it and cared about it— I could probably pick it out of the choices available. It would probably also help you to know that in high school and college I was a good student but I loved life beyond the academics so didn’t necessarily push myself to achieve my highest potential. I was a mostly A student and now that I was entering graduate school I wanted to show myself I was capable of straight A’s.
After the first 3 quizzes, I noticed I was still getting 1 or 2 questions wrong each time. Perplexed by how I could still be getting answers wrong, when I knew every vocabulary word for the week, I committed to more carefully reading the text book. Fast forward to week 6— the same thing was still happening every week, except by now I noticed what I had gotten wrong was so specific the only way I could possibly have gotten that right is to have a photographic memory of every page I read. So what do you think I did? Go ahead and make your guesses now or take a moment to think of what you would have done, if you were in my shoes.
The Realization
My solution— study longer, harder, try to retain all the information of those 50 pages to memory. Week 7 results— same. Week 8 results— still 1 answer wrong. Now it was time for me to reach out to the professor. What followed for me was shock and disbelief and for them, it was probably many chuckles around a dining room table that night. Here is what they told me— “Kary, you do know it’s open book, right?”
My thoughts: What?!! Open book? What do you mean, open book? How could it be open book when it said no cheating very clearly in the rules at the beginning of the class. How do you cheat if there are open book quizzes?
Next actions
After I had allowed this new found knowledge to sink in, I had some thinking to do, some noticing. This was not the first time I had made my life harder than it needed to be based on what I thought was following the rules. It was definitely the longest I had ever attempted to abide by rules that felt so incredibly ridiculous that no one could achieve the goal by following them. It also wasn’t the first time I spent less time on the things that really mattered to me and others in order to meet unachievable expectations.
That moment gave me the memory of what it felt like in my body that would become the signal for me from then on that unlearning may be in order, not digging further into what I believe. A few of my tell tale signs—tight muscles, irritability, striving harder, unwavering commitment to follow through on meeting the goal despite the appearance of the three signs listed first. It was true that almost no one could achieve 100% accuracy without an open book quiz, and it was also true that it was not the expectation. My choices were guided by the rule in my head that not cheating meant no open book and wanting to prove that I could get 100% on something I had historically been very good at. Some may argue, I’m with you Kary— how do you cheat if you can look at the book. Thank you for your understanding.
And— even that is true, it is clear that I needed to check my assumptions when things felt way too hard.
How many hours were lost by not checking my assumptions? How cranky was I as I tried to commit 50 pages of every word and image to memory? How did that affect others around me and what I did or did not do in trade off for those extra hours of studying? And for what? (That’s a whole different story, but we will likely find out more about that another time)
Answering the call of unlearning on the first 3 rings
This may feel like a silly example of the need to unlearn, yet for me it is what made me finally realize what it felt like when unlearning was in order. You may have equally felt experiences and if you do not— perhaps this story will be an invitation to notice what the signs are for you that unlearning is trying to get your attention.
For me, these are now a few signals that I might want to check myself for the need to unlearn.
If a request feels unreasonably hard, ask for more information— and do so sooner.
If meeting the needs of a task result in me becoming increasingly irritable and it begins to impact the people around me, reflecting on the how something is done may be wise.
If people around me seem upset, confused, or withdrawn because of the way I am doing something— there may be some things to unlearn in my way of being.
What are your signs that unlearning may be helpful to you?
